As many of you know, my prayer for this year is that Jesus would bring me to my knees. To be kneeling before my King in a way I never have before. To become the prayer warrior that He has called me to be. I thought that I would just be on my knees to pray for fundraising. I prayed that the Lord would help me trust Him through every single penny I needed to raise.
And here I am. On my knees. Not because of fundraising. Because even though raising money is something I have to completely give to the Lord… it hasn’t been the reason why I am on my knees the past couple months.
Where do I even begin? God has brought me to my knees physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I have felt weak, forsaken by God, exhausted, and I have lost hope multiple times. This is a story of a follower of Christ who REFUSES to pretend that she’s unscathed. This is a story of a woman of God who REFUSES to fake her walk with the Lord in front of believers. This is a story of a disciple of Jesus who REFUSES to act like she DOESN’T wrestle with the King almost every day. This is a story of a broken child who REFUSES to make her relationship with her Father look perfect and faultless.
This is my story.
My relationship with Jesus has been so rocky. And not just in my past… but definitely presently. People don’t mind talking about their past struggles with drugs, alcohol, doubt, cutting, eating disorders, etc. as long as it’s in the past. But very few times do you hear people talk about their struggles presently. I definitely struggle being open with people in the moment of suffering. What believer wants to proclaim before the world that they are struggling with sin?? We should learn to be open in the moment because if you start, others will follow.
When it comes to being vulnerability… there is definitely not a good place to start. So I usually just start typing and see where it gets me. My head is so full. So full of God’s whispers, the screams of Satan, lies I believe, truths I have forced myself to say over and over again, and a lot of vague thoughts. Sometimes, thinking becomes the hardest thing to do because of the amount of thoughts going through my head. It’s like being stuck in a fog and never finding my way out. Fears encompasses a lot of my time. Questions like, Will I raise enough money for the World Race? Does Jesus actually see me right now? Is the Holy Spirit going to intercede for me? Does God love me still? I literally can read something out of a book or God gives me a great thought and completely forget about it when things get hard. And in moments that are hard, it feels like it’s been hard FOREVER. And the good moments seem to last for a second.
But anyway… I honestly wasn’t meaning to say all that. This blog has a purpose. That purpose is to declare to the world that even as a believer in Christ, I fight with Jesus every.single.day. I have screamed at God. I have cussed Him out (not proud of it.) I have refused to acknowledge Him. And all the while, I have faked it towards other believers. Not ONCE admitting that I wrestle with God all the time.
I think people are afraid to mention that they wrestle with God. Because when you pray, you’re entering the Throne of God… and you’re not supposed to yell at the King. Which is so so true. I can’t tell you how guilty I have felt in the past because I KNEW I wasn’t supposed to yell at God. I knew I was supposed to enter the Courts of the Lord with praise and worship. But the last Person I want to FAKE it in front of would be the One who KNOWS I am faking it.
Why do we put a mask in front of God when He already knows everything?? He KNOWS when I am upset with Him. He KNOWS when I am so angry that I’m shaking. He KNOWS when I feel so weak and I blame Him for my situation, when it’s my own. He KNOWS when I am completely numb to all feelings and emotions. He KNOWS when I blame Him for the pain. He KNOWS when I am faking my happiness. He KNOWS when I have NO hope. He KNOWS when people have hurt me and I point an angry finger at Him for letting those people in my life. He KNOWS when I fake my words and emotions.
Believers. STOP FAKING IT. He KNOWS. He ALWAYS has. He ALWAYS will. So be REAL in the moment. I would rather get to the Throne of God and be completely real about my situation, than be fake and lie to my King. Because He already KNOWS I’m upset. So you may as well just say it.
Amen+
Thank you…