What is love?? This may seem like an interesting question to ask because it seems very simple. But I believe that this world is forgetting what it truly means. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines love as a strong attraction by sexual desire. I hope when you read that definition it breaks your heart a little. There has to be more right?? Our world seems to revolve around the wrong kind of love and if that’s what love means than I don’t want any part of it. No thanks. I would rather spend my life striving for something else, but this sparked my curiosity and I began to ponder… If the world says that love is a sexual desire and God says He loves us… I HIGHLY doubt this is the kind of love He’s talking about.
So… in the Gospel of John the theme of God’s love is written all through it, but what does His love look like?? Can I be part of it?? Can I learn to love like He does? John 3:16 says that love is sacrificial… that the right kind of love lays down his life for others. God’s love gives up what YOU want and picks up what OTHERS want or need. I knew this, but my question was… How can I love like Jesus?? How can I show this in my day to day life?? Because y’all if I am being completely honest… I don’t “feel” well. Let me explain:
I grew up in an absolutely WONDERFUL family. A big family… and it’s hard to imagine but I was the quietest child growing up. I didn’t say much and it took me probably 30 minutes to eat a plate of food (two things that are completely different now). When I went to school, I was even more quiet. I had very few friends and I was sheltered. I had so many emotions in my heart, but I began to learn from people around me that “feeling” and emotions were weakness. I began to see that being sensitive was not okay in our culture and you had to be tough. So whenever I began to feel things that would make me cry, I began shoving those feelings so far down. I didn’t even know where they went but I didn’t care because they were out of my way and gone. I needed to know how to channel my feelings inside or I was going to be called weak or high maintenance, and I knew I didn’t want to draw attention to myself in any way, especially in this way.
I was told in my Bible classes that Jesus loved me and I would say “I know.” In church, my dad would preach on God’s love and sovereignty and I KNEW what he was saying. That boy would tell me he loves me and I would just say he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. My parents would hug and tell me they loved me and I would think “maybe I’ll know what that means one day.” I would counsel girls at camp and they would say they loved me, yet I was too embarrassed to admit I had no idea what that means.
But… things started changing. I traveled to Hawaii by myself and I spent so much time in the Word and I realized I felt NOTHING. It was then that the Lord told me that I was holding onto so much hurt, so I figured I would find a boy eventually who would show me what love feels like. Later, I found a boy who loves me deeply, and when he admitted his love for me, I was shook. I didn’t feel giddy at all. Y’all, I know and believe in a God that loves me sacrificially, but to FEEL that love is SO difficult for me.
So y’all can understand now that when people say the “L” word… I kinda cringe because WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE. I have shoved so much down that I couldn’t even accept love, so I began to plead with the Lord for feeling of anything besides anger or bitterness. I wanted to have true intimacy with Him… but how could I when I felt NOTHING. I picked up so many books to understand. I counseled at so many camps and I believe God spoke straight through me to my campers and staffers who needed to hear truth. I applied for the World Race because I knew that serving with believers would help. And honestly, I came and I saw people so in love with Jesus that it made me angry and jealous.
I angrily said in worship: “Why can’t You talk to me this way?? Why can’t You show me Your love like You do to them??”
God then spoke straight through my pen to me. He said: “You keep asking for Me to show My love for you. I show it to you every day but you miss it. But, oh My daughter… when is the last time you showed your love for Me???”
God was speaking to me. But I was missing it because I was waiting for Him to speak to me in a HUGE way that knocked me off my feet. Sometimes God doesn’t do that. Maybe God was speaking to me but through small things… like a child’s smile. A person’s kind words. A tree’s beauty. The sunrise. The wind in my hair. And honestly y’all… Sometimes God wants you to show your love for Him.
I am reading Bob Goff’s book called Love Does. If you haven’t read any of his books… I HIGHLY recommend it. He is probably the happiest person on the planet. Goff explains that love doesn’t just say things, love DOES things.
God was putting me on the World Race for a reason. And I didn’t want it to go to waste. I struggle with the thought.. “Why does God want to use someone like me to show His love when I hardly feel it??”
I am going to shout this to ends of the Earth…. GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU IS NOT BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS. GOD’S LOVE FOR YOU IS NOT BASED ON WHETHER YOU FEEL HIS PRESENCE IN YOUR LIFE OR NOT. And honestly, when I don’t FEEL His love, He STILL loves me. I have faith that He does.
So where does this leave me?? Just like Bob Goff said… Love does things. It doesn’t just say it. So because I know this… God has been showing His love for me through people and things, but I haven’t been paying attention. No wonder my life has felt empty. I want to live a life knowing that I am loved, and in order to do that… I have to look for it. I have to believe it. I have to show my Father that I love Him too.
After this realization, I have heard Him say: “Dance. Dance for Me in the rain.”
Okay I do NOT dance. I have a rod in my back. I don’t move well. But if it brings glory to my King… I’m gonna do it. And next time it rains, you bet I am going to dance in the rain for My King. He has asked me to pick up a camera at the school we are doing ministry at (when I have never in my life picked up a camera) and take pictures of high schoolers learning about mental health.
Sometimes I just want to ask God why, but I stop because I am thankful He is showing me that His love doesn’t just declare the depth of it with words. God’s love DOES things. His love SHOWS itself. His love for me went to the cross and took all my feelings of numbness and bitterness and anger. Maybe I should remember that His love for me has already been shown sacrificially. I want to be more like Him so I get to do things I don’t understand and in the end I don’t care because I KNOW and I BELIEVE His love for me and I BELIEVE in my love for Him.
Hillsong United came out with a song a while ago called “Here Now.” There is a line that says: “Faith makes a fool of what makes sense…. Grace found my heart where logic ends.”
Faith makes you look like a fool to the world. If me dancing in the rain makes me look like a fool I DON’T CARE because I would rather look like a fool than feel unloved. There is NOOOOOO logic in me packing up an internal frame backpack for a year and leaving behind everything else I own. That doesn’t make sense. When I start to show my love for God in ways that are different, people are going to point and laugh, but you can bet when I do things that don’t make sense… that’s when God shows up.
We all know that love makes people do crazy and outrageous things. It’s the same thing with God’s love. It makes us teach kids about mental health and be high school teachers for a month. It makes us pick up a camera for the first time. It makes us dance in the rain. It makes us pack up an internal frame backpack and travel for a year. The only thing that could make us do all of that is love. It makes us burst at the seams of who we are.
I’m learning that God speaks to all of us in different ways. And I’m learning to love the way He speaks to me… because His love for me isn’t just declaring words. His love shows me.
Love doesn’t just say things. Love does. Thanks Bob Goff.
P.S. Here are some pictures of what God is letting my team and I do this month!!
