Hey. My name is EmJay. I am an extroverted female that LOVES to have a good time. I love being the life of the party and I have been known as the class clown. I am always down for something spontaneous and crazy. My common phrase: It’s a good time!!
But for this blog… You can call me Marianna.
Why? Well first that’s my real name, obviously. But truthfully… the people that are most important to me call me Marianna. Why are they the closest?? Because these people have seen my brokenness and my rawness in the moment. These people have seen me cry and be vulnerable. These people have walked with me through some of the toughest moments of my life. And they have been able to rejoice with me at the end of those moments.
If you are reading this blog, welcome. My name is Marianna. And I’m about to introduce you to something I hold dear: my rawness in the moment.
See, anyone is willing to talk about their past at any given moment. Some Christians even love to talk on and on about how much they have been through… forgetting to give God the glory. Instead, it’s a competition to see who has been through the most crap in their life and lived to tell about it.
NEWSFLASH: The only Person who has room to boast is Jesus Christ so PLEASE save your boasting for something else.
With all that being said, people LOVE to talk about their pasts… but I know ZERO people who love talking about their current battle. Their current sin problem. Their current situation that is making it unbearable to breathe. It’s easy to say “yeah I used to struggle with drinking until I blacked out” or “yeah I struggled with an eating disorder when I was 16 but I’m fine now!”
No one likes to talk about their current battle. It brings on feelings of shame and failure.
So do not take it lightly when I tell you that currently I am battling so much grief and brokenness.
Why?? To be direct… my boyfriend of a year and 3 months broke up with me month 2 in Honduras. And honestly, I wish I wasn’t writing about it. But I know that if I don’t be vulnerable and tell my followers, there will not be healing. And I could really use prayer.
My brokenness is so real. There are days on the Race that I don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to eat chocolate and watch Rom-Com’s. Other days, I want to go for a 3 mile run and be completely active and busy so I don’t have to think about my broken heart. And then there are days where the memories don’t stop running through my head and I can’t focus. Not to mention that since I have been in Vietnam, I haven’t seen the sun, it’s been cold, and it’s a miracle if it stops raining for an hour (so even the weather is showing how I feel inside.)
But, there is good news to this. In the midst of my brokenness… I have hope that GOOD things are coming. I have hope that I won’t feel like this forever. And I know that God doesn’t leave His people dry. He always satisfies their thirst.
With that, let me tell you a quick story of my team. We were all worshiping together and thanking the Lord for the good things He’s given us. Well I for sure sat there and thought, “There is NO goodness in this. I feel miserable. I just want to be healed. I want to be my old self again.”
Let me tell you. I began to have a one way conversation with Him about how much my situation sucked. I was just telling God how miserable I was and yelling at Him for not doing anything about my pain.
Well after Re (our worship coordinator) got done singing, she looked at me and said: Will you pray for us, EmJay??
HAHAHAHA!! What a kick in the face. Here I was… literally just screaming at the Lord in my head. And now I had to act like I wasn’t doing that.
But let me tell you something, I opened my mouth and the atmosphere started to change in the room. The Holy Spirit entered the room and I found myself praying over everyone’s brokenness.
Y’all, I started WEEPING in front of my teammates (who have seen me tear up once), declaring to the Lord how broken I felt and how I needed Him to intervene for my pain. I started to say:
I believe God. I believe You. I believe in Your will for my life! I believe that this pain serves a purpose. I believe that You are a good God that sees my pain and DOES something about it.
It was by far the most raw I have been in front of my teammates. And it got me thinking… the most beautiful thing to see is this:
To watch someone who is under SOO much pain and suffering, standing before the Lord, in absolute surrender, proclaiming through their weeping that God is good. Declaring that in the midst of pain… they will give it all to the Lord, trusting Him that He will make something beautiful out of this suffering.
So here I am, readers. Completely broken. Completely surrendered. Completely shattered. Completely vulnerable in the moment.
Through these tears I give it all to the Lord. Cause I have ZERO control on this situation. I have ZERO control over my pain. But I do have control on whether I believe what the Lord says about me is true or not. He says that I am in the midst of healing. He says that I am beautiful. He says that He desires this broken heart.
I will shout this until my lungs give out:
You are good. You are good. You are good, Jesus.
Because this is how I fight my battles. By declaring the name of the Lord in the midst of weeping and pain.
Oh readers, please understand this. He is good in your situation. He is good in my situation. If Jesus went to the cross and still loved His Father, oh how much more we should love Him!
I will leave you with this song by United Pursuit:
I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You God
trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my arms wide open
Oh, I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
God this pain is Yours. I finally surrender it to You.
I love you all so much. Mean it.
I consider you all my family.
Sincerely,
Marianna
