I am a church hater.

I’ve gone to church all my life. 

 

Before I was even out of my mother’s womb, I was going to church. By the time I was 12 years old, I knew how Sunday’s “worked.” I knew how long the worship time should be, that you should never have more than 3 announcements cause people get bored, and the preacher has an hour or less to preach. I know that it’s best to start with slower songs and then to end with super fast beat songs to get the congregation excited about the sermon. I know that the best way for a preacher to get people’s attention is by telling a story or asking a question. 

 

Simply put, I know how a church “runs.” I am very aware on what works and what doesn’t work.

 

 

After all, I’m a preacher’s kid who became a church hater.

 

You see, church and I have had some REALLY rough patches. It seems like church members have hurt more families than unbelievers have. I’ve struggled with loving God’s people and to say I’ve been angry is an understatement. I loathed when I would walk into a building full of believers because I wasn’t sure if I could trust the people. My thought was that once I was burned by people I trusted, I would refuse to let anyone back into my life. I would refuse to be real or personal in small groups because I knew what I said could reflect my father or my guilt and shame could be gossiped about. Instead of being vulnerable and transparent about my feelings, I would laugh and always make a joke to lighten the mood. I saw men and women in leadership all over the States judge others and then have a secret sin they hid from the church for years. I hated shaking hands with people because although they said they were happy to see me, I knew they didn’t really know me. They didn’t know the anger I had dwelling in my heart against them. I hated children’s church because when I was their age, no one told me how ruthless Christian’s can be. I remember always wondering why the church pretended everything was fine when everything was certainly NOT fine. Why were we lying??

 

Thankfully, things have completely changed in my heart. But I’ll have you know, I’m still Marianna. I still love having a good laugh, spontaneously driving to the mountains or the beach, and reading a really good book. I am continuously falling in love with speaking and motivating people to choose Christ. Kingdom Dreams is the coolest thing the Lord has put on my heart because it helps believers know their importance in the Kingdom… that God’s people aren’t accidents. I still think my Mama is the prettiest woman alive who walks in absolute dignity and tough love. I believe my dad is the best preacher on the planet (sorry John Piper) and his wisdom goes beyond his silver hair. My brothers’ are the strongest and most honorable men in my life and my sisters’ are some of the most fierce women I know. 

 

These things haven’t changed. 

 

I remember before leaving for the Race and frankly for the majority of the Race, I wanted nothing to do with “church.” I knew the Church is the Bride of Christ but I couldn’t understand how Jesus would want something so ugly and hurtful to others.

Why would Jesus WANT that? Why would He die for that??

If church people gossiped about people, hurt people, and “played the whore,” why on Earth would I want to be part of something like that??

 

By the time I was 22 years old, I was an extreme church hater. 

 

As time went on the Race, I knew I needed to deal with my emotions towards church but it was the last thing I wanted to do. 

 

I sat with the Lord and I remember thinking, I came on the Race to get away from all this hurt and pain from my past. Why would I deal with it?

 

I had people ask me in college if I was studying Youth Ministry because I wanted to marry a pastor. I had people at camp tell me that I would work in a church. I specifically remember being told that because I had so much hurt surrounding the church building, I would end up “doing” church with my life and marry an elder or the pastor.

 

I remember wanting out of the Buckle of the Bible Belt immediately.

 

In all honesty, I am still currently a church hater. But stay with me.

 

Recently I’ve been reading Letters to the Church by Francis Chan. If you haven’t picked up this book, I highly recommend it because it’s changed my entire broken view of the Church. For this, I am eternally grateful to God. Clearly, my thoughts on the Church was distorted, ugly, and broken. I was so focused on a church building rather than THE Church.

I’m not kidding when I tell you that these pages have brought tears to my eyes. I found myself longing to be part of the Church. And I’m not talking about a building. I’m talking about THE Church: a group of believers that live in community, love their neighbors and enemies, and serve the Lord wholeheartedly. Chan talks a lot about how we have fallen short of the Church and the deep meaning of what Christ wanted it to look like.

 

He mentions that people in other parts of the world literally get excited just to pray. 

 

JUST TO PRAY. 

 

If I am being completely honest, I don’t remember being excited to pray ever. It was just something I was taught to do. 

 

As Americans, we have to thrive off of loud music and an inspirational message and emotions to “feel” something. When did faith become only about emotions and “feel good” things?? 

 

The American Church is so far from what it was meant to look like. When we focus so much on the emotion and when our churches become MEGA-churches, that’s when hurts happen. That’s when church politics happen. Those are the things that hurt people and make them “hate” Christians. 

 

Levi Lusko mentioned that if we took away the Holy Spirit in our megachurches today, people wouldn’t even notice. 

 

Seth Barnes, the founder of Adventures in Missions, mentioned that he was talking to a Pastor in his 70s who had retired. Seth asked him if he could do anything different, what would he do. The preacher said he wouldn’t have preached as much and he would have had a church no more than 12 people, because after that, the weak people stop speaking up. 

 

Shoot.

 

I don’t want to get ahead of myself and explain the entire book, but Chan opened my eyes to what the Scriptures actually say about the Church. I found myself absolutely falling in love with this “idea” of Church and wondering if it was possible to live like the first Church in Acts while living in America. 

 

I’m assuming it’s possible because Francis Chan has started over 40 home churches in California. 

 

I LOVE what the Church is actually supposed to look like. I’m falling in love with a small community, that does life together. A community that evangelizes to the lost and loves each other, their neighbors, and their enemies. 

 

More than ever, I feel God calling me towards discipleship. I don’t know exactly what this looks like but I do know that I can start this now. 

 

So if you were to ask me now if I am still a church hater. I would tell you yes. I don’t like the American Church and where it’s headed. I know that is an incredibly bold statement. 

 

There is possibility for things to change. It’s possible for the Church to look like Christ intended.

 

I am not defined by the building or the services or the politics. I am defined by Christ and He has called me part of THE Church.

 

My name is Marianna Joy Lohnes and I am an American church building hater.

But I am part of the Bride of Christ and a disciple of Jesus Christ. And I will defend, honor, and cherish the Bride of Christ until my last breath.