I Saw Jesus.

Blogging is stressing me out right now. Because the things I have experienced in the past week are so overpowering and eye opening that I can’t do anything except stare at the pictures on my phone.

How do I explain in great but simple details the goodness of God? How do I explain to a bunch of village kids that I’m leaving and I won’t be back tomorrow? How do I come back to my clean sheets and fan after seeing so many living in poverty with no shoes and scrap metal as walls? How do I put into words the grief of watching a friends father die from a stroke and knowing very well that he didn’t accept Jesus? How do I leave my host I’ve grown to love so much behind in a country full of Buddhist? How do I explain the aching in my heart of leaving behind a nation I have fallen in love with?

How? How am I supposed to put this into words? My heart is breaking. I had no idea that when I asked God to show me what He sees, it would involve me leaving part of my heart in Cambodia. I don’t regret asking that at all. Because I am beginning to learn how to love like Jesus. I am beginning to make my thoughts vertical towards heaven. I am beginning to see Him in everything. But the price of seeing like Jesus involves heartbreak. Because I began to see what breaks God’s heart as well. And it isn’t pretty at all. But I choose continually to cling to Christ.

At the beginning of this week, I had no idea what to expect. I knew we would be evangelizing, we would be with our host a good bit, and we would be doing outreach in the park. Our schedule began to be crazy. We would be leaving out Guesthouse around 7am and not coming back until 7pm that night. I was/am absolutely exhausted… but if there is anything I have learned about ministry it’s that God gives me exactly the amount of energy I need to continue on.

We ended up driving up to a school. I’ll never forget that moment. My teammate and I walked into a classroom of 1st graders and the administrator said “Okay. Teach.” He handed me three curriculum books, two dry erase markers, and an eraser and walked straight out of the room.

We stood there, like two deer in a headlights, as 30 big brown eyes stared right back at us. Immediately, my teammate started singing the ABC’s and all the kids joined. This turned into the kids counting from 1-100 and gave us some time to think of random things we could teach them. They were full of energy, but very eager to learn.

Time went on and Lauren and I were running out of things to teach. We ended up just singing a bunch of songs with kids including: The Shark Song, Tarzan, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, and anything else we could think of.

I have never had so fun teaching a bunch of kids simple English and singing songs. The coolest thing?? I saw these children just like Jesus does. I got to a hug a bunch of children and whisper “Jesus loves you.”

After school, we went to a village. We met with Pastor Kim and his wife who have joy seeping out of their pours. It struck me in amazement… because this family is the only hope for this village. They legit have nothing but a church building and they use it as a safe place for children to come to at any point during the day. We were with the village children from 2pm until 6pm. So many games were played, so many songs were sung, and so so so much laughter and joy filled the room.

Let me tell you, I was EXHAUSTED. But to watch Pastor Kim and his wife was inspiring. They do this EVERY day. They CHOOSE to be uncomfortable and they have so much joy while doing it. I couldn’t help but internally scold myself when I would yawn or think about how tired I was. This is their life. And the whole time they still have a smile on their face. That’s the power of Jesus. That’s what His love does.

My head is so full of memories: playing in the dirt without shoes during sunset, walking hand in hand with multiple kids, climbing trees, and praying with the elderly.

As we walked around the village, we visited a house of one of the church members. A young man of 23 years old. He’s the only believer in his family and has been telling them the Gospel for some time. As we got closer to the house, we heard a woman wailing. That is a sound I want to never hear again. Immediately, Pastor Kim went into this house full of Buddhist. Her husband and our friends father, passed away earlier that day from a stroke. Pastor Kim began publicly praying to the Lord Almighty in Khmer (the Cambodian language.) He spoke in so much boldness in a room full of nonbelievers.

I wanted to run. I didn’t want a great day to end this way. I wanted to hide the children from the grief and the pain. But I didn’t because I knew this was probably something they had seen before. It was my first time seeing this. We stood outside the house and continued to hear this woman scream in grief.

We were welcomed into the home. I just wanted to sprint in the other direction. But we continued forward and approached a family that had just lost a loved family member. The body just layed there, lifeless.

God why did You bring us here?? It was such a good day and now all these village kids are seeing a lifeless body on the table and a weeping family… Why is this happening? Are You even good? If I prayed hard enough, would You raise this body from the grave??

My thoughts were slowly but rapidly turning for the worst. Why does this happen? When our faith is on fire for the Lord, one thing can happen that makes us question Him.

I started to think that if God was good, this man would have been a believer before he passed away. I then began to think of other gods… what if they are real?? I mean Cambodian people are so sweet… so maybe Buddha is real?

I stopped. No. I couldn’t think like this and it was exactly what Satan wanted me to think about. I left the house… proclaiming in my head: Jesus You are good. I will NOT question why things happen. All I ask is for faith. Give me faith to believe Who You say You are. And to trust what You say.

So, readers, how do you go back to living your life after seeing so much grief and joy in one day? Well you can find me at 5am, on the rooftop, on my knees before the Lord, pleading to see what He sees.

I asked God to show me what He sees. To break my heart for what breaks His. To love like Him. To have a childlike faith.

All I can say to you is that Jesus is here. Jesus is in Cambodia. And I saw Him in everything.