Learning to Love Church People.

In order for you to understand this next blog, you have to get a sense of who I am. So honestly.. I am gonna tell you my story and everything that has happened in the past few years. Because you won’t understand my passion and my heart until you understand the circumstances behind it.

So where to begin? I honestly have no idea so I am just gonna start typing and see where that takes me:

I was born (holy crap that was not where I thought I would begin) into a Christian family. And not only that… My Dad’s a preacher. That alone is a HUGE part of my story… because one thing every person needs to understand is that living in a preacher’s home is NOT perfect, it’s messy. Just like every other family. I can’t tell you how many times we would all argue on the way to church and pretend like everything was fine once we stepped out of the car. We were a normal family, but no one else ever saw it like that. The best way to describe being a preacher’s kid is like living in a fishbowl; everyone watches you and there is no privacy. Parents tell their kids to live like the preacher’s kid, because from what they see… we are all well-behaved, obedient, and flawless.

This was one of the most frustrating things. I knew what to say to make my parents look great or look awful. One faulty step could cause my Dad to lose his job. Not only his job but his reputation in town. So because of that, we couldn’t do certain things. I didn’t have a phone until I was in high school (which I honestly cared less about.) I didn’t have facebook until a lot later than my friends and when I did, there were multiple times my Dad had to tell me to delete a post. I wasn’t allowed to go to middle school dances, homecoming, prom, or after parties.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE my parents. They were the first to teach me the meaning of love and to show me what it looks like. I grew up to love Jesus, which a lot of preacher kids cannot say. Yes, I was frustrated that I couldn’t do a lot of the things that my friends were doing just because it looked bad as the preacher’s kid. But as I got older, I see more and more that my parents were protecting me from so many things. And honestly, ministry is just like that. I grew up hearing the phrase “the appearance of evil” meaning that I may not be doing something wrong, but it could look like it. If you are seen in a certain area, doing a certain thing, or saying a certain thing…. people in church point fingers. And all those fingers are usually pointed at my Dad. I felt like it was completely unfair, but there was no way I would let my Dad have a horrible reputation just because of something I did or said. And it was definitely when I was older that I understood this. My parents are ministry rockstars. Not many people can say that.

Not only was living in a preacher’s home part of my story… church people are part of my story. Ministry is one of the HARDEST things I’ve ever done. From the time I was born until I was about 14… church was all I knew. The hardest part about ministry is people. As a pastor’s kid, I have seen all parts of ministry. I have seen when things go well and people get saved and people rejoicing about a prayer being answered. I have seen thanksgiving and laughter happen. I have seen pure joy from Jesus through people at church, and it’s absolutely beautiful.

Unfortunately, I have also see the hard parts of ministry… I have seen pain engulf the church from people passing away, stage 4 cancer, dad’s losing jobs, teens running away from home, and suicide. I have seen the part of ministry that no one wants to think about, but the result is beautiful because people begin to pray in a way that they never have before. They pray without ceasing. They pray with tears flowing from their eyes, barely being able to speak words. I have seen the Holy Spirit intercede when words are too much. I have seen a church on their knees, together and unified, and it’s breathtaking; because only Jesus could do that.

Yet, there is a part of ministry that not a lot of believers know about. It’s the part that creates knots in my stomach. The part that makes church look absolutely undesirable. It’s the part that has zero Jesus in it (which is weird to think about…) It’s the part of ministry that few understand. It’s the part of ministry I call “wolves”. This part of ministry begins when elders or leaders in the church start to focus on each other instead of fighting against Satan. Which is funny because it is the number one way Satan gets his foot in the door of the church.

This next part of the blog is something I have never written on paper. It’s the part of my life that makes it hard to breathe. It’s one of the rawest parts of my life.

Wolves. There are many blogs, books, and sermons on these type of people. The wolves they talk about are people who seek to bully broken people in the church and give a broken gospel. Though this may be true… I am focusing more on the fact that these type of wolves sought after my family. These people spread rumors about my family, but mainly my dad. They stirred up drama and pointed fingers at my dad, screaming things that he was doing wrong. When he would try to fix the problems, they just found more or proclaimed that he was making it worse. These people were/are vicious. They would bring pages on pages of things my father had done wrong, a lot of it not even being sin. It would only get worse. They would accuse him of sins he hadn’t even committed. It was evident… they wanted power in the church and they wanted my dad gone.

The hardest part? No one stood up for my father. No one screamed, “You’re wrong! He’s a good man and God has appointed him to be the pastor of this place!”

So… my father resigned. Leaving my family without any steady income and confused by Christians, but these people ruined my dad’s reputation in that town. We couldn’t go into Walmart without seeing someone from that church whispering lies about us. We may as well have had a Scarlet Letter on our clothes. I lost all my friends in church and didn’t even understand why at the time. I was only in 3rd grade.

Things got better because we moved to South Carolina. We started a new church. My heart began to open to the people in the church. The church said that it would never happen again. People had our backs for the first time in years. I was a Junior in high school.

-Fast Forward-

When I was a Junior in college, I dropped school and moved out to Hawaii for half a year. It was the best experience I have ever had in my life (which most likely will be explained in another blog.)

I came back and I learned very quicky there was drama. This time, the drama was circulating around a person I had really looked up to in high school. I was heartbroken. But mostly… I was pissed. First, I was realizing that I had never dealt with the pain from the past church and I had just shoved it down. Second, this person was bringing back memories and feelings that took years to forget. And third, I began to find myself, in that moment, wanting nothing to do with church people again. This time… it was personal to me. 

I went to church to find my dad not there, and my mom sobbing in the corner. My dad couldn’t get out of bed due to the pain this person had caused him. My mom, the strongest person I know, is someone I have only seen cry 5 times in my life. Rage is not even close to the amount of anger I felt that day.

I held my mom as she cried in my arms and said, “I hate this part of church.”

And with that, she pulled herself together and played piano for church that day. With a smile on her face. I walked to my seat, my hands shaking with anger, and barely being able to sing in worship. 

God, what are You doing?? Why is it so hard to love Your people?? Does any good thing come from church work??

That day was a prayer service. I remember we had to get with our families and pray for the church. My family not being there, I went with my best friends family. As people were praying for the church to prosper… my heart was thumping at the fact that I had to pray for this church. This hurting church.

It was my turn. All I could get out was “My King. Thank You for not being like these people…”

Talk about awkward. Luckly, the family I was with knew everything that was going on and held me up on my feet and intereceded for my lost words. Tears came streaming down my face. In that moment I refused to love church people. Jesus was enough for me, right? How could I love the church when they kept treating us like this.

A few weeks later, I was on my way to Woodlands Camp in Georgia to counsel for the summer. I couldn’t think of a worse person to be telling kids to love their neighbor but me.

Without realizing it, I thought everyone at camp was fake. I began to not want to be there at all because everyone kept asking me my story and I didn’t want to give it. I refused to be real with these people. Too many times I was real with people and it resulted in being hurt.

However, Big Jon (our director) began to speak truth from the Bible to us. At first, I found myself mocking him. I thought, This guy thinks he’s the coolest doesn’t he?? He probably doesn’t even love his employees. He probably just wants us to treat him like a god. Well, dude, it isn’t gonna work on me. I see right through you!

Terrible, right? Well soon enough… camp began. I wasn’t making a lot of friends and I felt really lonely. My head counselor (basically the counselor for counselors) could tell something was up. She knew I was holding a lot back. And eventually I told her straight out, “I don’t trust Big Jon.”

She looked me in the eye and said, “EmJay. You HAVE to talk to him.”

My stomach dropped cause that was the last thing I WANTED to do and I thought it was the last thing I NEEDED to do, but as time went by, and as weeks went by, I realized she was right. So out of nowhere, I saw him sitting on a porch outside the dining hall and the Lord said, “Go. Now. This is your window.”

And of course I thought, Seriously? You had to make it that obvious, huh?

I was about to walk by and then I heard, “Emjay. Porch talk??”

It was Big Jon. I knew I couldn’t hold anything back so I told him I didn’t trust him one bit.

Big Jon said something I will never forget. He said, “Let me ask you one thing… Have I given you a reason not to trust me? Or are you taking what people have done to you in the past and putting it on me??”

My mind was blown. God used Big Jon to show me that I wasn’t trusting any man in leadership, no matter where it was, and bitterness had been built up in my life. I knew I had issues but I didn’t realize the depth of the problems until Big Jon pointed them out to me. 

It was that day I began to forgive these men. I had to choose to let go of the bitterness, and it’s a choice I have to make every single day. I am NOT letting these men from my past choose who I am going to trust. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days I wake up and the last thing I want to do is forgive, but sometimes the LAST thing you WANT to do is the FIRST thing you SHOULD do.

I love Jesus with everything in me, and I have literally gone through the ring of fire to learn that He loves the people that I find it hard to love. So choose to forgive them today. No matter who it is. I promise you that forgiveness is the key to freedom today.