It’s a peaceful place. Do y’all know any place like that?? It’s a place that the moment you step foot on it… the stress leaves your shoulders. Where nothing or no one can bother the calmness inside you. There is a stillness. And for one split moment… the chaos of life dies and the grace of God overtakes your entire being. It’s peace.
Let me explain the first time I ever experienced peace.
It’s the summer of 2015. My life was completely chaotic back at college and I didn’t even realize it until I was a counselor at Camp Patmos. I was friends with the wrong people and without noticing, I forgot who I was in Christ. Or rather… We didn’t have much of a relationship before Patmos. I had no idea what I was getting into when I became a camp counselor and I definitely didn’t feel equipped for the job. But nonetheless, there I was on an island, teaching kids how to love Jesus and have a relationship with Him.
Summer 2015 wrecked me. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself on my knees before the Lord asking Him why He was choosing me to love His children. These kids changed my life. My junior campers taught me how to have a childlike faith, to be excited about the most simplistic things in life, and to live life to the fullest. My junior high campers taught me that it’s important to have great girl friends, that it’s okay to be girly sometimes, and feelings and emotions are okay. And my senior highers. These girls showed me that beauty comes from scars, that boys will play you but you don’t have to let them, and that Jesus went to the cross because He loved me fiercely and I should return that love.
To say the least… my campers changed my view of Christ. They blessed me more than I ever could bless them. I saw God take girls with completely different backgrounds and bring them together… these girls are still friends today and push each other towards Christ. It was beautiful.
Towards the end of that summer… I began to fear. I feared going back home and losing everything I had gained at Patmos. I didn’t want to forget it or go back to who I was before, but something cool happens when you begin to fear: peace. I remember going out by the lake and sitting with the Lord. Before I explain what happened… I need to explain the view at Patmos.
Camp Patmos is on a small island in the middle of Lake Erie. It’s about a mile or so from the borderline to Canada and the sunsets are the prettiest I’ve ever seen (and I have been to Hawaii okay.) When I walk up to the shore line… I could hear the water hit the rocks over and over again. I could see little islands here and there out in the lake but other than that, you notice how BIG Lake Erie is. At night, the sky has endless amounts of stars shining down on Kelley’s Island and it’s in those moments that I felt so small but I knew God was/is incredibly prodigious. See for yourself:
So one morning, as I was saying, I walked out to the shore line to sit with the Lord. My best friend was sitting with me as I just blurted out I was scared for to lose my peace I had found at Camp Patmos.
Slowly I began to word vomit this picture of God’s grace and peace:
I hear the water hitting the rocks. Over and over again it hits the shore. The wind is in my hair and my skin has the chills because the wind feels like freedom. Yet I can’t grab it. It’s okay though because just the feeling of freedom is beautiful and satisfying. I look down at the shore and I dip my toe in the water. The cooling sensation goes through my body and I slowly step my feet completely in the water. My toes are touching the clay at the bottom. I start walking towards the body of water and eventually I find myself knee deep in the water. It’s refreshing and I continue forward. I am waste deep and I stop because I have never been any farther. I turn to go back but I stop as I hear Your voice in the wind:
Come a little deeper, My child.
I turn around and I say:
But Lord, I can’t. I haven’t ever gone any further than this.
Exactly.
I continue forward. Afraid but believing the best. Further and further away, my heart moves away from the shore. I find myself chest deep and I begin to panic.
What was I thinking?? I am not comfortable at all!!
I have not called you to be comfortable. Come a little further.
But if I go further than I will lose my footing and I am not confident!!
Trust Me. Jump into Me!
I’m afraid. I can’t do this.
No answer.
I look around. The waves are seeming to get higher than usual. I just want to go back. And I don’t know what comes over me. I jump off the edge. Head first.
Everything turns into immediate chaos. The waves are crashing down on me. I can’t even catch my breath.
Wave after wave crashes down on me.
Where are You???? You said I would be okay!! You said to trust You! But I don’t see You at all!
God I am DROWNING. And You don’t care.
The waves continue to crash over me. I can’t catch my breath. The waves hurt. Chaos is all around me. I begin to believe I will sink and drown.
This is it.
And then… I make eye contact with Him. He’s right here with me, but not like He was with Peter. No we are DEFINITELY not walking on the water. We are in the middle of chaos and I feel like I am going to completely drown. We make eye contact… and there is grace in His eyes. Everything is moving around us, but we are standing still. We are at peace. I begin to tear up… the grace in His eyes is beautiful. And I am completely overwhelmed with PERFECT peace. The storm of these waves doesn’t cease… but the storm inside me is at peace.
Be at peace, My child.
And I finally get it. I am swimming in His grace. I am beautifully in over my head (thanks Jenn Johnson from Bethel Music.) These waves are crashing down on me. They hurt and they make feel like I am drowning, but the waves are His grace. I need to stop focusing on the waves and how much they hurt… and focus on the grace in His eyes.
I begin to relax. I just let the waves overtake me because of His grace. And yes, the waves hurt, but He has to cut me deeply in order to heal my deeply. That’s what His grace does. Whether I sink or whether I swim… I am in His grace.
His grace is all around. It hurts and it feels like I can’t breathe, but sometimes, I need to stop fighting the waves and just float or swim in His grace and remember that His grace produces peace.
That summer, I became completely and beautifully consumed by Christ. And I am beginning to know what that means. So I ask that you pray with me as I learn more about this visual and ask the Lord for more.
