A Dream that Wouldn’t Stay Quiet.

The past couple days I have been extremely discouraged.

 

March 18th marked the halfway point of the Race. It’s during this time that a lot of people start feeling homesick. I’ve never been one to miss home, you can ask my Mama… But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t dream about home multiple times… and that’s not counting daydreaming either.

 

The fairy tale of traveling around the world becomes not so “fairy tale” like and it becomes strenuous. I find myself noticing more difficult parts about this journey than the easy ones. It feels like the finish line is 10 years from now yet also I feel like I’ve lived 5 lifetimes already.

 

It’s a time when I can’t necessarily see the end in sight. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like returning to the States is an idea that will never enter my life again.

 

I’ve worn the same 5 shirts and the same 3 pair of pants for 5.5 months. My hair is either in a bun or in a ponytail… I don’t remember the last time I’ve brushed it. If you were to ask me to put eyeliner on, I wouldn’t know how. I’ve worn the same 3 pairs of shoes with the same 4 pairs of socks. I used to eat healthy back home and now, out of politeness, I eat bread with a side of bread for every meal. I have acne all over my face. And the amount of sweat I produce could fill three 5 gallon buckets.

 

Oh followers, as I write these words, tears are flooding my eyes. Because this moment is so bittersweet.

I miss my best friend back home and seeing her shine for Jesus.

I miss good, strong coffee from a French Press.

I miss counseling a bunch of high school girls and seeing them live for Jesus.

I miss hearing my Dad preach on Sundays and be incredibly inspired by his communication with people.

I miss my church.

I miss seeing lives changed at Woodlands camp.

I miss driving my car with the windows down and blaring music.

I miss getting a paycheck and using my money for an Iced Vanilla Latte or a big Greek Salad.

Oh, and don’t get me started on how much I miss my beautiful Mama and her hugs.

 

It’s been difficult. Amazing. But truly difficult. I’m just starting to wrap my mind around the fact that people will not understand things I’ve seen or experienced. This type of ministry is a beautiful thing to be apart of, for sure. But it’s something I can try to explain for 10 hours straight and it would still fall short of everything God did.

 

Know that if you still follow along on my journey, it means the world. I can’t even begin to explain how much kindness you show towards me when you read my thoughts and experiences. You are my true friends.

 

With that, I want to share my most recent thoughts while I am in Albania.

 

The other day, I was opening my heart up to one of my good friends. I began to tell her about some parts of my past… mainly a certain job I wasn’t given.

 

Way back when, there was this man I didn’t trust AT ALL when I first met him. I remember thinking that he was prideful and arrogant. I didn’t want anything to do with him. Except for the fact that he was my boss (awkward.)

 

Slowly, but surely, I began to trust him. I had a few hard conversations with him that showed me I was in the wrong. Well, our friendship began to grow. I respected him. I trusted him.

 

Soon after, a position opened up that I wanted. I believed I was qualified and I was incredibly passionate for the things the job entailed. And I have been taught that when I see something I want… I run after it (career wise not sin wise lol.)

 

I remember, I went into his office and told him I wanted the job. I told him the reasons I thought I would be a good fit for it and he asked me a few questions and then I left. Everyone told me I was bold for doing it. Like I said, I believed strongly in the fact that if you see something you want, run after it full force unless the door closes. I felt so much passion in my veins for this job. I believed the Lord wanted me for it.

 

A few days later, I was called back into the office. I’ll never forget being looked in the eyes and being told “I am giving this job to someone else.”

 

A feeling I knew too well entered my heart: rejection.

 

It still lives with me today. I remember crying myself to sleep. What did this other person have that I didn’t? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why does it ALWAYS seem like I’m in the running for something and I never receive it?

 

I didn’t realize how much this rejection hurt until I saw the new hire doing the job I wanted. Everything in me stung. I had to work with this person, always hearing the voice in my head saying “You weren’t good enough. Christian leaders will NEVER see your full potential. Probably cause you have none.”

 

These thoughts still affect me today.

 

Recently, I have felt called into public speaking. Like I said before, I believe the Lord has given me a gift with words and I intend on using this gift to glorify Him.

 

Your thoughts love to find the WRONG perspectives of your strengths. Your thoughts distort a gift or blessing to look more like a loan or a curse.

 

So when I spoke last Sunday, I tried to find everything I did wrong. I tried to find every flaw, every mistake, and every awkward stance I made. My thoughts got me to focus more on myself and less on what God did.

 

So to tie this all together… I became VERY discouraged about my sermon. I began to wonder what people were going to say when I announced that God told me wrong. Public speaking is NOT for me. I thought, “I misheard Him. He doesn’t want to use me like this. I suck at what I love to do.”

 

These were the SAME thoughts I had when my boss didn’t give me the job I felt called to. It’s the same thoughts I had when I kept failing my classes in college. Not only that, these are the same thoughts I had when men in church leadership hurt my family. It’s one of my first memories as a child: rejection.

 

Then my thoughts began telling me that I was so prideful for wanting to be in the spotlight. It must be a reaction to feeling average, right? Never seen, so I’ll do whatever I can to get attention. I mean, I make jokes all the time so people will notice me and think I’m worth something.

 

Y’all. I will NEVER feel qualified. But I don’t think that Jesus went to the cross for us so that we would just sit in rejection. So we would just sit in self pity. So we would just give up.

 

So I could take those experiences of rejection and tell myself “I’ll never be something.”

 

OR I could take those experiences of rejection, learn from them, and say “Jesus, You are gonna make something out of me.”

 

This brings trust and faith back into the picture.

 

Levi Lusko said “We need to ask the voice in our head what side it’s on. Are you going to continue to be my worst critic? Or are you going to start being my life coach?”

 

It goes for this, too. Gosh, I don’t feel like I should be writing any of these words. My confidence is as thin as paper. But Jesus has the final say. And I’m grateful He does.

 

Cause He isn’t going to look me in the eye and say “The job you are passionate about… I’m giving that to someone else.”

He doesn’t win our trust and then rip the carpet right from underneath us. And just to clarify, I’m not saying my boss was evil for not giving me that job. It taught me patience. It IS teaching me patience. It gave me faith that one day, Jesus is going to fulfill His promises to me.

 

So that, my friends, is why I am going full force towards my next idea.

 

I am going to start small videos and speak about things I am extremely passionate about. From rejection, to feeling average, to the meaning of being wild and holy.

 

You can watch them if you want. But I’m declaring right now that my worth is not decided in the amount of likes or views I get.

 

It’s time to silence the voice in our heads that says “I will always be rejected.”

It’s time to turn up the whisper in our heads that says “rejection is not my name.”

 

In the words of Hillsong United’s latest single:

 

Who am I

 

To think Your glory needs my praises

 

But if this borrowed breath is Yours Lord

 

Take it all

___________________________________

You love me as You find me.

 

You love’s too good to leave me here.

Wowowow. His love is TOO good to leave us here. Think about that!! No matter if it’s a good situation you’re in or a terrible one… His love is TOO good to leave us there.

He will continue us forward. He will continue to prune us so that we become stronger. He will push us towards the finish line of this race. He loves us too much to leave us where we are.

 

If I am borrowing the breath in my lungs from the Lord… how much more I should use my gifts to glorify His name!

 

Watch: one day, I’m gonna be speaking the Name of Jesus in places that I never imagined possible. And I will be in AWE because He put a dream in me that wouldn’t stay quiet. A dream that Jesus would use an extremely average person, a preacher’s kid, a rejected woman, a broken back patient, a cheater, and a college dropout for something bigger than herself.

And she shouted the name of Jesus because she was a breathing, living testimony that was used by God, to show His grace and redemption was worth all the suffering in the world.

 

And I promise you this. The first thing she will say is this: His love is too good to leave us here.