I broke my back. And it is a gift.

Recently I’ve been pondering two things. 

 

As many of you know, physical limitations is something that is near and dear to my heart. I find myself noticing the lame, deaf, and physical limited people when I walk on the streets. I always notice them, but to say I actually do something about it is another story. If I am being honest, I walk by more physical limited people than I stop by. 

 

It seems that I’m always in a hurry to do something that I need to get done. Every time I am completely convicted by this and probably more than the average person. I’m not saying that because I’m more holy than others or I hear the voice of the Lord more… it’s because I know what it feels like to be sitting in bed, unable to get up without help. 

 

If anything, I should be the FIRST person who sits next to the beggar on the street that can’t walk. For this, I am absolutely convicted of my actions. I KNOW that pain. I KNOW what it feels like to be overlooked by people (in my case classmates or acquaintances) and my pain not be met by love.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am in NO WAY comparing my physical limitations to that of a street beggar who can’t see and has no money to be the same as my situation. I was completely blessed to have a family that stood by my side the entire time. I had a set of parents that woke up at 3am to meet me at the hospital and hold my hand. I had siblings who showed up at the hospital and made me laugh through my terrible situation. I had family that sat with me at home and made me smile and prayed with me. I had friends that showed up at my door with donuts, coffee, and chocolate. 

 

What I am saying is I know how much physical limitation hurts your mentality and how evil LOVES to put lies in your head. Lies that scream all I am is my limitations. 

 

The Lord has given me eyes to see the physically impaired and limited. Why can’t I get this right? I have the words to give hope to someone. I know what they feel and what they struggle with. It’s a gift I have been given and I haven’t used it. I’m afraid that all they want is my money, not my words. I’m afraid that my situation won’t be able to compare with theirs. I’m afraid of the language barrier I will have.

 

But love and acknowledgement have no language. 

 

I’ve seen how simply holding someone’s hand can change their day. I’ve seen how a smile can brighten their current situation. I’ve seen how saying hello makes someone feel noticed.

 

But how much more would actually sitting with a person that is physically hurting mean so much more? How can I keep doing this?? It’s month 10 and I have yet to use this gift of physical brokenness. That’s incredibly sad. 

 

And ultimately, if I walk by the beggars without saying anything, I’m not serving Christ like I should. I’m not doing what I was meant to do with my life. I needed to start seeing my “thorn” as a gift to give others. 

 

Why am I sharing this story with you? Because at the beginning of this blog I told you I had two thoughts I was pondering:

 

We see Jesus Christ would heal so many people in the New Testament. Not just healing, but He raised Lazarus from the dead. After He went to Heaven, His disciples healed people as well.

 

So hold this thought.

 

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh that he absolutely pleads with God to take away. Most people think his thorn was his vision being impaired, but it isn’t clear. The main point is that God basically told Paul no and that God’s grace is sufficient for Paul and His power is made perfect in Paul’s weaknesses. 

 

So here is my question… What decides whether God is going to heal someone or that someone is going to live with pain the rest of their lives to keep them from being conceited??

 

After my brothers injury, we have talked quite a bit about this. We know that God is the ultimate Healer and He decides whether someone will be healed or not. He is a good God. His plan is better than mine. 

 

If it was my choice, my brother wouldn’t be in the hospital and he would be completely healed back to his normal self and I wouldn’t have two rods and 8 screws in my back that torment me day after day. My father wouldn’t have epilepsy and my other brother wouldn’t have had to wear a boot for months after hurting his Achilles heel. 

 

But I trust His plan. I really, really do. 

 

I’s incredibly difficult to see people with gluten allergies be healed. It’s hard seeing people with stage 4 cancer being completely free of that. It’s hard seeing my squad-mates knee being completely healed.

 

Most of these people weren’t asking for it. And yet, here I am, going on year 4, pleading with Jesus that He would heal me entirely every day. I have been so angry when I’ve seen people on my squad be healed of something they’ve only had a couple months. 

 

I mean come on God! I’ve been begging for this. I’ve been on the floor, weeping and pleading for my pain to leave my life forever!!

 

I still believe to this day that Jesus could heal me if He wanted to. And I’m not talking about pain relief only… I’m talking about the rods and screws in my back disappearing and my body going back to normal. 

 

I’ve told God that if He healed me completely, I would run and run and never stop. I would enter marathons and when I finished I would glorify His name. I told Him I would hike and bike when I got home. I told Him that if I became known in the world for anything active, His Name would be the first thing and only thing out of my lips. People would hear my story and people would turn to God. 

 

Oh readers, I have BEGGED God to take away this pain. I have PLEADED that He would show me grace and use me as an example. 

 

I’ve wrestled with God, asking Him why He decided to heal others and not me.

 

Honestly, I don’t know the answer. But I do know that I haven’t used this physical impairment to my full ability. I haven’t sat with the beggar on the street. I haven’t talked with the blind man sitting outside the market. I haven’t spoken words of encouragement to the paralyzed child.

 

So how can I ask God to heal me if I haven’t used my limitations to glorify Him?

 

Pray for me readers. Pray that I have the boldness to stop by the physically limited next time. Pray that my pride would fall to the ground.

 

I can’t get through one day without pain. But I will boast in the my King. I will boast of His goodness and faithfulness for saving my legs and for giving me a second chance in life. I will boast through this thorn because God’s Name is greater than any kind of pain.

 

I don’t know how God decides whether someone is healed or not. But until my time comes, whether that’s being healed on Earth or receiving a heavenly body on Judgement Day, I’m going to talk to the physically broken people of this world. I am going to stop because I will not be seen as just another person who passes them by. 

 

I will be seen as I am: A physically broken woman who boasts in the Name of Jesus Christ and has a living hope for her King to return quickly and give her a new body and who loves the ones that others pass by. 

 

When Jesus returns, my prayer is that I’ll be sitting with the paralyzed beggar on the streets.