With the events that have happened recently in my life, I have seemed to forget who I am. I don’t think this is something people usually encounter on the Race around month 8. But here I am.
I have realized that I am a completely different person with my friends and my family. And in all honesty, I’ve been trying to figure out why I act so differently with these two groups of people.
For example:
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There is this young woman named EmJay. She is an extroverted female that lives every moment to her fullest. She has HUGE dreams that God has given her. These pump her heart at a rapid pace because the passion that flows through her is undeniably from the Lord. She is the life of the party, isn’t afraid to have a good time, sings her heart out in worship, and is passionate about adventures with close friends. She has a few but deep loyal friendships. She is in love with her independence and keeps her eyes on the Lord. She is a spontaneous, courageous woman who fears the Lord and lives wildly in her pursuit of holiness towards the King. She loves life and always sees the silver lining.
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Then there is another woman named Marianna. She is extremely introverted and cautious of what she says. Insecurities galore, she is afraid to say a thing in front of people because she believes she will be seen as tiny, weak, and unimportant. She lives in fear. She believes that she is the black sheep in her family and has not a thing to offer. She has zero hobbies, can’t sing a lick, and will never be successful in life. Marianna is average in a VERY excelling, beautiful, fit, and successful family. She does not see her worth and believes that she is unseen. She is a late bloomer that will never get her chance to bloom and is told she is sensitive beyond repair. She has 3 friends that haven’t stabbed her in the back. She loathes her inability to commit to anything or anyone. Her pain is never big enough to mention, due to the immense pain her siblings go through. She never dates someone in the family’s league because she believers she isn’t in her family’s league. She follows Christ but following Him this close is almost pathetic. She does not belong.
I’m not proud of the thoughts that run through Marianna’s head. She is a lover of comparison and believing she is never good enough.
It’s unbelievable how much these thoughts run through my head when I am around the most loyal people in my life: my family. My insecurities run DEEP when I’m around my successful, fit, and beautiful siblings. I wish I wasn’t even saying this out loud because I know it seems insane. Yet at the same time, I fear that some people are thinking, “Finally. She noticed.”
My purpose isn’t to receive pity or compliments. I love my family more than anything. My siblings annoy me more than any other people on the planet… but I would literally put my life down for theirs. They are also the most loyal group of people in my life.
For example, my younger sister and I fight ALL the time. But I know she has my back whenever people say or do hurtful things. She has this phrase that I’ve picked up: I got you. And man, that sister is a spitball of fire but she will run to my defense at any given moment.
I love my family. But I have always known that I am quite different than all my siblings. Just to name a few things: they all have six packs, they all have full time jobs, they are all incredibly successful, and they are the most good looking people I have ever laid my eyes on.
Me, on the other hand: I don’t have a six pack, I’m lucky if my back doesn’t cause me problem when I workout, and I do not have a full time job. I’ve never stayed at a job longer than a year and I don’t remember the last time I put on makeup or wore something besides a flannel.
Please hear me when I say that I do not say this so you’ll pity me. I’m making a point.
This morning, I was spending some time with the Lord. I was complaining about how different I was from my family and how much I didn’t fit in with this incredible family of mine.
I have made you different for a purpose.
I stopped. I wrote down every single thing that I believed about myself when I am with my family. The list was long enough to make me embarrassed for the rest of my life.
Right after, I wrote a list of things that I am good at and what skills the Lord has given me.
But this thought kept hitting me: I DON’T want to fit in with the world but I was struggling because my family doesn’t fit in with the world and if I don’t fit in with my family… then I’m average and normal. I would rather never be that.
I sat with the Lord for awhile and honestly pleaded with God to show me how I fit in. And I realized that I have been so cautious with my skills and talents, afraid people will not approve or think I’m good enough, so I haven’t even tried.
My definition of success compared to my siblings is so different. Sure, my brothers’ are in the military, my older sister is a cop who is working towards being a detective, and my younger sister is an EMT and restaurant cook of an incredible restaurant.
I’m just traveling to 11 countries in 11 months and I had to ask for money all the way. I don’t want to be known for being a cautious, average woman.
(HAHAHA… that sentence right there did NOT sound average at all.)
May I remind you of my other blog called “God Uses Average People.” I know Jesus has His eye on me because I am the most average you could get. I may not be like my family but shoot, I got my own kind of success story. I got my own story. Period. And it’s a story that He has asked me to walk through. If God asked me to walk this path, then there can’t be anything normal about this.
I have learned more about myself in the past 8 months… so much that I would rather not share every detail because my blogs are long enough.
But I am learning that my siblings are pursuing Jesus and their jobs in the best way they know. So I need to do the same. My siblings shine of Jesus in their jobs and people see a difference in them.
It’s time that I stop complaining about how different I am from my family and start loving how different I am. I’ve got a different story than each one of my siblings, just like they all have a different story so they can point different people to Christ.
I love the Lohnes family more than I could ever express. We are all a bunch of wild hearts that are in pursuit of Jesus. We are loyal warriors who keep their eyes on Christ.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
There is a song my United Pursuit called Let It Happen. The lyrics have changed the way I look at myself. Here are some words:
You’re full of life now
And full of passion
That’s how He made You
Just let it happen
And He calls each one of us
By our names to come away
And He whispers to your heart
To let it go and to be alive
So take me back
Back to the beginning
When I was young
Running through the fields with You
These lyrics reminded me that the Lord has created me in a certain way for a specific purpose. I wanna have this child like faith and pursue Jesus and glorify Him in my talents.
Love you all, faithful followers.
Our loyalty lies with our King.
Xoxo,
Marianna
