This is MY Adventure WITH you.

MOOD KILLER: Just because you go on the World Race doesn’t mean your problems won’t follow you. And you’re forced to deal with the problems because you can’t really go anywhere.

 

When everything was going great. You were making money, you and your significant other weren’t fighting, and you felt free. But then all of a sudden, you lose your job. Family members get sick. You and your significant other are fighting all the time. You feel caged.

 

It’s life. It happens. Why?? I mean I don’t know the exact reason in your situation but for me?? I’m starting to see the bigger picture.

 

When I left for the Race… I didn’t think I was going to change. I knew I would see things that would bring pain, humility, and thankfulness. But other than that… I really didn’t think I would change. Wow. Writing these words just seems ridiculous to me now. I’m sure many of you who are reading my posts have realized that I have changed… because, well, I have. I am not the same person who left the States.

 

I have talked about surrender before. There is a cycle that Adventures in Missions says every Racer will go through: surrender, brokenness, and dependency. Sounds suuuuuper fun, right? But if I am being completely honest, these stages have been so evident in my life. Each stage brings its own kind of pain… but it also brings a promise. A promise I can hold onto when lies from Satan are clashing in my head.

 

I didn’t know the amount I had to give to Him. I just knew that I needed and wanted to surrender things. But it became very clear to me when I was snorkeling in Caye Caulker, Belize.

A beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit is that He speaks to us in the unexpected. For me, it was when I was swimming with fish, sea turtles, and sharks. I heard so boldly from the Lord:

 

This is MY adventure with you.

 

I stopped swimming and just floated in the water. I knew what God wanted me to do. To give ‘this’ up… well that would honestly crush everything inside me… but maybe that’s why I needed to surrender ‘this.’ I remember so boldly replying: Then You are going to have to take this out of my life. Because I am not strong enough to give this up.

 

Wanna know what happened?? A week and a half later, I got a phone call that emotionally dropped me to my knees. I couldn’t believe what was going on. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stand up.

 

When I began to ask God why… He whispered:

 

This is MY adventure with you.

 

In this moment, I surrendered a year and 3 month relationship to Him. Not because the relationship was ungodly. But I strongly believe it was to show who I am in Christ. I wouldn’t have discovered myself unless this relationship was given up.

 

You can bet that I have wrestled with God. Begging for it back. Begging for things to be fixed. But all I heard was:

 

This is MY adventure WITH you.

 

God took me from my family and friends so that I could go WITH Him on this adventure. And He was/is showing me that.

 

Then came the second stage of this cycle: brokenness. I have heard so many times since I entered into the World Race that we need to SIT in our brokenness. I remember thinking that was absurd.

Why would you sit in brokenness and grief when you can avoid it by traveling or hanging with friends or watching endless amounts of Netflix??

 

But I am realizing that it’s in these times of brokenness that the Holy Spirit’s voice becomes most evident. Sitting in my brokenness is the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to SIT in my pain and just feel helpless… but what happens when we don’t deal with our pain in a healthy way is that it explodes inside us. It becomes unhealthy. We become overly emotional. We get frustrated with people for no reason at all.

 

Sitting in our pain allows God to renew our spirits and heal our wounds. How many times do we pray for God to make us whole?? Well surprise! God doesn’t EVER promise to make us whole. He just promises to be here in the pain and to heal our wounds. And it’s through those wounds that we believe He will shine through us and people will be healed by our own scars because it gives evidence to a God Who is GOOD.

He just asks us to be faithful to Him. Declaring that although we do not understand our circumstances… He is a God who has purpose in pain.

I have no idea what the future looks like right now. And I’m okay with not knowing because I know He is already there. Pain gives HOPE. God gives hope when we have nothing left.

 

So as I am sitting here in pain… the Lord has revealed to me something THROUGH this heartache. He is revealing who I am in Him. And not only that but I am learning to EMBRACE who I am.

 

The Enneagram is something that Lord is using to reveal all of this to me. If you haven’t heard of it, I highly recommend taking the test. It doesn’t put people in box… that’s something that is so misunderstood about it. I’m not really going to get into it but I HIGHLY recommend people to check it out. It helps me to understand how to love people in the way they need it most.

 

I was very skeptical of it. But I took this test just because everyone does on the World Race. And I am not kidding, when I got my results and read up on them… I was astonished. If you are wondering, I am 7… Which is the Enthusiast. What does this mean?? Ultimately… I have a wild heart that chases after adventure and I get bored VERY easily. Not only that, but whenever I sense pain, I try to avoid it by traveling or making light of a situation. Commitment is something that terrifies the Enthusiast because they can feel trapped by the relationship. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

 

After I took it, I prayed about it because I really did feel connected to this number (weird, I know.) It’s crazy when you’ve been feeling someway for some time and you finally see words that describe the thought behind it. I didn’t want to put myself or God in a box. But as I started reading more and more about this Enneagram and I started to see how I ran from my problems and I couldn’t sit still for long… it made sense. The Enneagram doesn’t just show your strengths but also your weaknesses. Like I said, it’s not putting people in a box, but to show people how to get out of the box they are already in.

 

When I am overflowing with emotion, I write. And I didn’t stop because just as clear as I heard God telling me that my life was an adventure WITH Him… I heard Him saying that this wild heart of mine was something He created for a specific purpose. It’s something that I should be proud of because He created it.

 

Y’all, even as I write these words, tears are flowing down my face. Why?? Because I am not afraid of who I am. I am not afraid to have emotions anymore. I am not ashamed of my scars. I am not afraid of vulnerability. And for YEARS I apologized for my wild heart that didn’t want to settle down. I apologized to ex-boyfriends for not wanting to get married. I apologized for not wanting to stay in one place. I apologized for dropping out of school and booking a flight to Hawaii. I apologized for dreaming all the time. I apologized for my fascination with the world… that I HAD to go everywhere.

 

I WAS APOLOGIZING FOR WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE.

 

And don’t get me wrong… I know this is going to offend people. Not just because the normal thing in life is to go to college, find a spouse, get a job, be successful, have children, and eventually retire on the beach… but also because some of the things I mentioned have negatives with it. I am WELL aware of that. I am aware that the fact that I am afraid of commitment is not a good thing. I am well aware that this all seems very emotional.

 

But I KNOW and BELIEVE that God didn’t create my heart this way for no reason. YES I desire to be married. YES I desire to be successful. But my success and love life looks so different than the normal American Dream. And instead of running away from that and apologizing to people for who I am… I am going to EMBRACE this wildness.

 

So where does this leave me?? Let me show you a few pictures of what my life looks like:

 

1. I’m going to color OUTSIDE the lines. Which means I don’t want to do the normal things in life. I believe God is going to use me in ways that aren’t normal. And that captivates my heart.

2. I’m going to put my hand outside my car window every chance I get because it makes me feel F R E E.

3. Poetry is A M A Z I N G.

4. I’m obsessed with drawing in my journal and water coloring.

5. I love LOVE. And I’m not afraid to say it.

6. I love dreaming of places, people, and ideas. D R E A M WITH ME. 

7. Motivating others is practically my love language

8. You can bet I am the first one down for spontaneous trips.

9. On my phone, you’ll find lists and lists of adventures and bucket lists.

10. If you know me, birds are my greatest fear. But they have slowly become one of my favorite animals to watch because they symbolize freedom.

11. I think the moon is the coolest thing God created.

 

I could literally keep going on. And I am so excited to say that this is just the beginning. I finally feel set free because I am learning to embrace my wildness that God has given to me.

The song I Am Who You Say I Am by Hillsong Worship is my anthem song at this point in my life. I am not afraid anymore to say who I am in Christ. I have yet to discover what God wants for me in my life…. Maybe I am living it now. All I know is that this is just the beginning of my adventure with Him. And you can bet that I am going to live this life to my most W I L D ability.