Update: Bringing Me to My Knees

 So I haven’t written in awhile because things have been so busy. But I am writing now with my NEW computer so everything is well in the world. I am literally writing this blog 25 minutes before I have to be right back at work and be on my feet for the next 8 hours. But I just poured some espresso coffee into my mug so everything is okay. (Also, I just noticed I don’t have to be at work for another 50 minutes…I clearly need this coffee.) 

 I am writing this blog because God puts random things on my heart throughout the week. I think a blog is pointless if I am writing about nonchalant things. I think a blog should have purpose. So that’s what I am doing. The purpose for this blog is to update you all on what God is doing in my life and the lessons I am learning. I am going to write a blog in the first week of every month to keep you all updated on my support as well.

 So with that being said.. I am currently at $2,155! This is great! This is only from the letters I have sent out. It’s also not counting the few checks and cash I haven’t put in yet. So praise the Lord! Thank you to all who have sent in support! I am more and more excited every day as October 5th comes around! You all mean the world to me!

 Okay so update on my life. I have been learning so much the past couple months and I am about to be so real with you. This is not going to be a blog about how GREAT my life is or how PERFECT it is. Cause honestly… the past couple months have been so so difficult. And here’s why: 

 I went to Passion Conference 2018 in January. When I was there, I felt completely convicted by God that I do not pray NEAR enough. So I told God that I wanted 2018 to be a year that I find myself on my knees praying. When I thought about this and prayed about this, I literally thought that this was going to be due to my funds. I thought I would find myself on my knees praying for support and to reach my goals. Although that may be true, it’s the last thing I have been on my knees about since Passion. Instead, I have found myself kneeling before the Thrown of God weeping. Because I have realized how truly prideful I am. 

 I know everyone says it but I really thought I could do things on my own. Not fundraising, I knew that I needed God all through that. But I thought I could be great at relationships on my own. I thought everyone would like me and I wouldn’t have any conflicts with people. But then I did… and it became a problem that I couldn’t fix no matter what I tried. I thought I was great at my job (an intern at THE Woodlands Camp in Cleveland, GA) and that I didn’t need to improve in camp work because I had been doing it since I was 14. Yet, I found myself being corrected and being put in positions I thought I was better than. And the whole time, I was becoming angry because I believed I was better just because I had been doing it longer. I thought I was better than cleaning bathrooms and cleaning up dishes. But slowly God was showing me that I WAS NOT BETTER THAN HIS PLANS AND POSITIONS HE HAD FOR ME. I realized that I wasn’t better than a kitchen or cleaning job. Heck, I wasn’t good enough to be at Woodlands. Without Jesus, I’m not good enough for anything. I shouldn’t even be serving a camp that serves Jesus. But I was. And I was taking it for granted. I was becoming angry because God chose to put me in the mundane camp work instead of the front stage like I had done before. Can you scream HUMILITY louder?

 And instead of accepting this lesson, I became more angry and I refused to let Jesus work through me. I fought His lesson and resisted Him. But the thing we should all know about Jesus is that when we fight against Him, His lessons become harder. So much harder that we can’t keep out defenses up anymore and you have to let the walls down and let the lesson change you for the better.

 I found myself on my knees before the Lord… questioning my knowledge of camp ministry, doubting my relationships with people, and feeling like a complete stubborn idiot. 

 So here I am. Sitting at my computer, drinking coffee, and soaking up the Word of the Lord because I forgot that I honestly have NOTHING to offer Jesus. But He always reminds me that He doesn’t care. He just wants me to serve Him with an open heart. So that’s what I am doing. I will get up in about 20 minutes and clean another table and get the dishes done. I will clean buildings for two days straight. I will make people ice cream and coffee. I will send kids down the zipline. Because all I care about is serving Jesus in any way He wants. And if that means that I won’t see the fruit of my labor, so be it. If that means that I don’t get to be the center of attention, so be it. If that means the Lord brings me to my knees again, so be it. Because Jesus LOVES the humble. But He opposes the pride. And if I have any pride or arrogance in me, I want Him to take it. Cause I want to live my life to serve the One who gave His life for me. 

So now I have JOY in serving because I know that it’s more important for Jesus to have the stage instead of me. And if a simple clean dish or a clean cabin or a warm cup of coffee brings glory to Jesus, then so be it.