This Is Me.

Month 2: Valle De Anegeles, Honduras.

 

Words to describe me: Freed. Wrecked. Surrendered. Humbled.

 

A week ago I was in Caye Caulker, Belize for my first debrief. My squad and coaches all rejoined in this area to talk about what God did in our ministry spots for the month of October. The month of October was a month of homesickness, new hobbies, and seeing Jesus in the people of Belmopan, Belize.

 

As I was sitting on the beach in Caye Caulker… I felt peace. Not just any kind of peace but PERFECT peace. If you read my most recent blog, you would have read that I experienced this once before. I am learning that Jesus loves to speak to me in these moments.

 

I closed my eyes and I saw an image. It was me and I was running full force in the middle of a forest. I opened my eyes and asked the Lord… What does this mean??

 

When I don’t know what something means, I write. And this time… I couldn’t control my pen. I vaguely remember writing anything but I wanted to share with you all what God wrote through my pen. These are raw word for word in my journal and I believe the Lord doesn’t want me to change anything. So sorry for the grammatical errors… but I believe someone needs to hear this today:

Things were fine. We were together. I love You and You loved me. Things were perfect. But I saw the sweetness in the eyes of the serpent. His caramel cat, devil eyes. And I wanted it.

 

So I began to run full force towards things I hate. But all I could see were those eyes. Those beautiful, tempting eyes. I ran and ran, forgetting Your voice. Funny when You’re running towards sin how easy it is.

 

I stop. But I find the eyes are gone. And I’m in darkness. Complete darkness and the trees I once found beautiful have shadows. And I can’t see anything but the chaos around me.

 

It’s like I’m coming to and I have no idea how I got here or where I am. I remember You. But I can’t find You.

 

I run around frantically.

 

Jesus? Jesus, where are You?? You said You’d be here!

 

I start blaming You for not being in the midst of my sin. I run and run. I feel like I’m running in circles. My lungs hurt. My legs hurt. My heart is beating fast. Funny how this time everything hurts when I’m trying to find You.

 

I scream and fall on my knees.

 

WHERE ARE YOU?

 

Little did I know that I ran from You. This is my fault and I’m blaming You for being absent.

 

I stop.

 

Jesus. This hurts. Everything aches. I need You. I’m sorry I ran.

 

I see the grace in His eyes. I see the path back towards Him.

 

The chaos around me is definitely evident. But the chaos in me is at peace.

 

Remember: If you are quick to ask for forgiveness and admit your wrong, things become more clear. He becomes more clear.

I don’t know why God wanted me to share this. Honestly, it’s really uncomfortable for me to share because these are raw moments between me and the Lord. But I am learning what it means to be obedient to Him, even in the small things.

 

I have changed so much in the matter of a month. I have learned:

 

1. How to live with 36+ people

2. How to minister to special needs adults

3. How to listen for the voice of God

4. How to have intimacy with the Father

5. How to worship in a completely new way

6. I have the spiritual gift of prophetic writing

 

I am proud of who I am becoming. I have had to give up more and more things as this trip continues. The amount of goodbyes I have had to make in the past month is astounding. Surrendering my all to Jesus honestly completely breaks my heart. But as I look back, I am becoming more and more of who He wants me to be.

 

And with that… I’m okay with it. This is me. Freed. Wrecked. Surrendered. Humbled.