Where Logic Ends.

Wow. To tell you the last couple days have been a struggle is an understatement. And honestly, as I write this blog I have realized that many of my blog posts are deep and sometimes depressing. But I am reminded of these two questions as I write: WHY would I lie about what I am going through if Jesus already knows? Why would I care about what people think of me if Jesus already said he thinks highly of me? That’s all that should matter.

If you know me.. You know that I don’t put up with much fake things. So I try my best to be completely and fully real with people… and that 9 out of 10 times requires me to be VERY uncomfortable. But if that’s what the Lord requires of me… I’m gonna do it. So I hope that’s cool with everyone who reads this post.

First thing. This month and a half after training camp has been so ridiculously HARD. Like I find myself struggling with things and thoughts that I don’t want to. Things I have struggled with in my past that hadn’t tempted me in a year or so. Things and thoughts that I believed I was rescued from.

All my life I have struggled with feeling. Now, when I say I struggle with feeling… what I mean is that I really don’t feel anything inside… sounds harsh right? I know. I’m a preacher’s kid and we are experts at faking it until we make it. Growing up in the school I did, I hated bringing attention to myself or creating conflict. So it was very easy to just shove my opinion down and never speak about my feelings. Satan used this to make me believe that emotion was weakness. Believe me when I say that in high school I thought it was normal. In college, I had multiple heart breaks that wrecked me… and the only way I knew that was because of alcohol. It came with an extreme high of laughter and happiness and would result in extreme feelings of depression. Alcohol brought clarity of my true emotions because it all came out of my mouth when I would speak to my friends. Some of my deepest wounds I didn’t even know existed until I was drunk, sobbing to a friend. In my book, alcohol let me feel things and it gave me an excuse to be emotional because I had no control over it.

It’s sad. But that’s exactly how I lived my life for about 2 years.

The second thing that I wanted to mention was fundraising (I know.. Kinda weird transition but stay with me.) This month has been so discouraging because of it. I began to believe that funds weren’t coming in because the Lord was upset with me. And I know that sounds stupid… But it’s easy to think that when you are surrounded by screaming lies of Satan. We’ve all got our battles. And I’ve learned not to point fingers at people who are struggling with different things than me. I have no idea what storm the Lord has asked them to walk through.

Anyway… fundraising was tough. All summer I was working at camp and honestly… I came home with an empty cup. I had spent a year and a half doing ministry. I remember coming home after training camp of the World Race and thinking… “I have nothing left. I have no love in me.” I mean God had  temporarily healed my back and I couldn’t even look in His direction. I felt nothing. I tried to feel joyful. Nothing. I tried to feel sad. Nothing. I tried to feel ANYTHING. Nothing. The only emotion I could muster up was complete anger. That made NO sense. I had so much to be thankful for. But yet… I wasn’t even feeling thankful.

Like is said… I began to think that no funds were coming in because God was upset with me. A voice tried to inform me that a lot was wrong with me and I needed to get it right with the Lord. I became so frustrated because I couldn’t hear the Lord and I couldn’t find out what the voice was informing was wrong with me. Again… I believed the lie that the love of Jesus couldn’t reach me because I couldn’t even communicate with Him.

What I am doing for the Kingdom doesn’t make sense. Sometimes… well actually all the time I sit and wonder to myself… What am I even doing??? None of this makes sense.

But then I heard the song Here Now by Hillsong United. And a line says:

Fix my eyes on things that I can’t see now

Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way

‘Cause I know You’re in this place

Faith makes a fool of what makes sense

But grace found my heart where logic ends

Nothing is supposed to make sense. When you live for the Kingdom… nothing ever makes sense. There is a reason that Noah built an ark and people laughed… it’s didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense when God asked Moses, a man deathly afraid of public speaking, to lead His people to the Promised Land. It didn’t make sense when Joseph was thrown into jail for being accused of sleeping with Potiphar’s wife. It didn’t make sense when David decided to go up against Goliath, a man who was almost 10 feet tall. It didn’t make sense that Saul was slaughtering Christians left and right and then became the most well known apostle in history.

None of the stories in the Bible ever makes sense. But that’s exactly where faith comes in. Once you see faith work, it becomes extremely addictive. Nothing is better.

So I got on my knees. I felt nothing. I couldn’t even hear the God I was pursuing. But I got on my knees because that’s what you do when you have nothing left. And all I said was:

I know You are Here. Now.

And then I got on my computer and began typing:

All I know is that You are HERE. NOW. And sometimes that’s all I need to know. Of course… I want more. I want so much more of Jesus.

And then He spoke through my fingers: “I am here. Now. Stop asking for more. Realize that I am here and to just sit still in My presence. You may not feel Me. But when has YOUR feelings ever been more important than My true presence?? Do YOUR feelings really tell you the truth about My existence? Do you know if you can really rely on your feelings, Marianna?? My daughter. My child. Know that I am HERE. NOW. and YOUR FEELINGS do NOT determine My presence. Do not turn to pain so you can ‘feel’ something. Don’t turn to temporary physical satisfactions or alcoholic beverages that show you what you’re feeling deep down inside. I am here. I will show you the depth of my love. Just be still. Be still. Be still. Be still. And trust My presence.”

So here I am. Being still. Sometimes being still is all He wants.

And you know what?? I opened my email a couple days later to multiple givings which resulted in $2,548.

Sometimes all God wants is us to be willing to listen, to obey, and to be still. The amount of joy in my heart right now is nonsensical. My heart is so full and this smile isn’t going away. But that’s what faith does to you.

God’s grace is found where logic ends.